This story was invented during an english test in which I wanted a good mark but write the biggest load of crap ever. My first idea was to do a discursive essay on a fight between Superman and Batman, however I decided to do this. Badgers were big when I was 19, there were so many shades of black and grey to choose from that I just didn't know what to choose. Here are my notes on Badgers. For those who do not know Badgers are generally annoying creatures, eating your carrots and what-not. They can only be defeated by luring them into a graveyard with a conveniently placed leaky pipe, letting them hit their head on said leaky pipe and then beating them to death with a pipe wrench. Then you must put the body in a microwave to prevent Zombie Badger (The really bad sequel) Now most would consider this too short for a chapter (technically I'm breaking the Fourth Wall but none of you readers who I'm expecting to read this probably know what that is) SO heres some Filler material on Badgers ANATOMY OF THE BADGER The anatomy of a Badger is considered perplexing to most people without a degree in Badgeroologyism and can be separated into two parts: The Brain And the evil Claws of death that would probably kill on Canon-fodder-esque characters in a traditionally Red Shirt fashion. (once again the author is sure you wont get the reference) The Brain itself is incredibly complex, as one does not know whether it is the brain of the Badger or the Brain of an evil soul sucking demon known as a Melchoutis. Debate rages on. BEHAVIOR OF THE BADGER The Badger behaves as if it had an evil soul sucking demon inside of it known as a Melchoutis would behave. Mainly killing "stuff" left, right and centre until the GoulBusters come and save the day... But that would be a completely ant-climatic ending. It would be like having the main bespectacled character go willingly to his death, be killed by the all powerful dark lord, come back to life and kill said Dark Lord with an incredibly simple method such as a "disarming spell" But I wont do that. Chapter 1: Genesis Good E. Hero was boarding the train to New York. The Conductor explained it would be a 5 hour journey. All was quiet. Then a badger got on. Now most people would shoo the badger off the train but this happened to be a 6 foot tall badger. Yeah. Not so tough now are you pretty boy. (or pretty girl for all you feminists out there) The badger looked at the nearest passenger Mr Cannon S Fodder, Mr Fodder proceeded to lose his head (metaphorically and literally.) Now most people would scream if they saw someone lose their head (metaphorically and literally) but most of the passengers happened to be anime fans so as part of nature they started to shout about Kamehameha's and Japanese Subtitles. These anime fans proceeded to lose their heads (metaphorically and literally) Good E Hero happened to be a plumber so that didn't really help the situation. Little did he know that Badgers weaknesses were generally Pipery things (leaky, wrench's) The Badger tore through all of the passengers (who all happened to be named Fodder in some way) Luckily Mr Good E Hero (who will now be known as Craig) was near a rotted wooden door that would provide safe cover, he dived through it and let out a deep breath. Chapter 2: Return of the Badger Craig caught his breath, the adrenaline rushed through him like a hot knife through butter, salty butter. Funnily enough Badgers are a huge part of the butter production. For example Badgers were used to turn the churning wheels that churned the butter, though occasionally one fell in resulting in several law suits. (rented Law Suits of course, do you know how much those things cost to buy!? I had to rent one for my budgies wedding the other day, boy was he mad when he lost several million pennies for breaking my left toe) A claw rushed through the rotted wooden door (now to be referred to as Ye Olde Doore) Ye Olde Doore crumbled under the weight of Ye Olde 6 foot badgers claw... clawe The Badger stepped through the remainese of Yee Oldee Dooree ande lookede ate Craige (who will now be referred to as David) Davids life flashed before his eyes as the Badger lumbered towards him. These flashes coming from his eyes caused a small epiliptic fit in which the spasms caused him to dodge every swipe. (This is why the Star Wars movies always have a disclaimer proclaiming that "this may cause Badgers to become extremely annoyed") One of which spasms knocked him out and as he lost conciousness he saw a conveniently placed leaky pipe. The world turned black, or blue, or purple or even the damned rainbow use your imaginations people! Chapter 3: The Man with the Golden Badger He collapsed from hunger. Gutted... Seriously.... Who dies from hunger these days.... Well Africa I suppose.... Well that was cruel.... BACK TO THE PLOT!!!11ELEVENEXCLAMATIONMARK!!! (the following will be done as if it was a really serious story) David continued surveying the room. It was a pale beige colour with a hint of purple. There were blood splatters on the wall about a day olde. Whoever he was dealing with was probably serious. A man came through the door, he was wearing a a black suit with white stripes. He had sharpened his teeth to knife-like points. (Does anyone know how boring how that was to write, I mean seriously) Here's what should have happened. David looked around the room with a stupid grin on his face. It was Brown. There were Jam stains. Someone was a messy eater. The Badger walked in the room. ------------------------------------------- Around chapter 3 I started to lose inspiration, I've attempted to do this douglas adams-ey.